Bedtime story # 5

Whoever hasn’t had on overwhelming first love, doesn’t know how good it is to find out a whole new universe of sensations and feelings that seems infinite. Doesn’t know what feels like to discover yourself through someone else’s eyes. Doesn’t know what feels like to become the other and not be alright without the other. Doesn’t know what a passion is like. All those feelings are so wonderful that we think we wouldn’t be able to survive without them. As a matter of fact, they are so intense that there are people who live their whole lives trying to feel them over and over again. They get addicted to them – the same way people get drug addiction. This addiction is called “Limerence”: the pathological side of passion. It is usually revealed when people can’t control their feelings anymore.  They would crave their partners (or the feelings their partners make them feel) the same way any other addicted people crave drugs or alcohol. Some get so addicted to their partners that they can’t even think about losing them; they get obsessed and most times crazy jealous. Others have as many partners as possible to try to replicate the “first love/trip” sensation.

Addicted or not, nobody can deny the intensity of a first love and the impact that it has in our lives, mainly when the person you love, loves you back. Mine was – for better and worse! I had never been the average romantic teenager girl waiting for “Prince Charming”. He showed up anyway. We met by chance. It wasn’t love at first sight. Passion and love kept growing each time we met. One day we realized that we couldn’t live apart anymore. We had to see each other every day, talk to each other many times a day. The feelings and sensations were awesome. Everything would have been perfect, if he hadn’t been so jealous. At the beginning, he was jealous of my friends and any man (boys actually) around me. I kind of accepted that, because as I said before I wasn’t a very romantic girl so the rumor was that I liked to make the boys fall in love with me and then I would dump them (not my fault they were dull!) I thought that when he realized how much I loved him – and I did! – he would change. But his jealousy took bigger and diverse proportions: He was jealous of my friends; of the time I used to spend reading; of my thoughts; of my not being jealous of him!  I used to feel like I was in heaven when I was with him, but there always were those threatening black clouds in the sky. I was all the time trying to avoid the storm; running from the lightning and covering my ears to not hear the thunders.   Those were the best and worst four years of my life. If it hadn’t been for his jealousy, he would have been the love of my life. I was deeply in love with him and – even worse – with his family. Have you ever heard about perfect in-laws? I had them! He was a perfect son-in-law either. He used to carry my sick father in his arms. He was gorgeous, attractive, liked to take care of himself (which is a good quality, in my opinion), thoughtful and very loving (sine qua non quality). You could feel the heat around us. But this heat would end up colliding with those black clouds – coming from I don’t know where – and the storm would get me again and again.  One day I took one of the most difficult decisions I’d ever taken in my life: I decided that I didn’t want to live avoiding thunderstorms. It wasn’t easy for both of us. I was still in love with him and he couldn’t get over the fact I was leaving him, but I didn’t have anybody else. We spent the following year “being friends”. It was a very tough year. I had to keep it cool and try not to throw myself into his arms every time I saw him. Our families were sad. Breaking up with him was painful enough and I also had to deal with the fact that I was not going to see his family anymore. My heart was broken; I still liked him; I missed his family; I’d had the courage to break up with him, but I wasn’t brave enough to refuse to see him whenever he showed up. I needed to stop seeing him. Then, I had the idea of using his jealousy: we had broken up, we were not together anymore, but I was sure that if he saw me with someone else, he would feel betrayed. I was right. He acted as he had caught me cheating on him. He talked, screamed, cried and moved on; never looking back. It was like a dream (a nightmare, actually) come true. I felt very sorry for both of us but I never regretted that as well. I’ve never accepted any relationship that had the any kind of jealousy in it since then. Thunderstorms can be beautifully dangerous; the feeling of defying Nature overwhelming but they can also be fatal.

Fotógrafo/Photographer: Stefano Paterna (direitos reservados/copyrighted)

www.stefanopaterna.com

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